We aren’t moving to Okinawa


We were supposed to fly to Okinawa next week. We had planned, gone through all the screenings, gotten passports and airplane tickets, we were ready. A couple of weeks ago, on a Monday morning, the movers came to pack our unaccompanied baggage, which is the stuff we wanted there when we got there. Before this we had all been sick, for about 2 weeks all 4 of us had been fighting a nasty cold. That day baby Paul was really fussy, but he was sick like the rest of us. As the day wore on, the movers came and left with about a quarter of our belongings, the baby seemed okay just cranky.

Later in the afternoon everyone was resting and I took the baby outside to play and I noticed he was randomly gagging, sort of dry heaving. I decided he should nap too. While trying to get him to sleep Paul noticed he was breathing rapidly, shortly after I couldn’t get him to latch on to breastfeed. This was the most concerning symptom because he’s never in his life refused the breast, but it was like he couldn’t latch because he was struggling to breathe.

I rushed him to the ER. I believe they thought he had RSV, he was immediately given a nebulizer, IV fluids and a chest x-ray, which came back normal. The next step was the doctor tested his blood sugar. At that point the doctor told me I needed to call my husband because my baby was going to need to be transferred to the pediatric ICU at the larger medical facility about an hour away. They said he was in Diabetic Ketoacidosis. I didn’t really know what any of this meant, except that he almost surely had Type 1 Diabetes, and if that were true everything was about to change.

Within a few hours we were in an ambulance being transferred to the hospital. Baby was stable but his blood sugar was still way too high, and he still had a huge amount of ketones in his blood, which were basically poisoning his kidneys and liver from what I understand. Once we got to the ICU we quickly met several doctors and nurses which told us there was almost no question he had Diabetes. We spent all night testing babys blood sugar hourly, checking the levels for ketones, and adjusting his insulin and glucose dosages. The first night they wouldn’t let me breastfeed him because they needed to be in control of his glucose and insulin while they rid his body of the ketones that were poising his blood. It was a very long night with pretty much no sleep.

The next few days are a blur. He was officially diagnosed with Type 1 (T1) Diabetes, and we rushed to get him enrolled in the military program that helps our family when we have a family member with special needs; EFMP– Exceptional Family Member Program, we needed to be enrolled so we could try to stop our move to Okinawa because they do not have the military medical professionals on the island to treat insulin dependent diabetes.  We knew right away, with Baby’s diagnosis the kids and I would not be moving, but we were desperately trying to make it so Paul wouldn’t have to go without us.

So that’s why we aren’t moving to Okinawa. I am still very sad, for a lot of reasons. I’ll write another post and finish the story later this weekend. I need to dry my eyes and drink some coffee right now. I’ll leave you with a picture of my precious little boy, being a brave dude with his little robot arm, that protected the only IV line that he didn’t blow out the first few days in the hospital.


Renji Roo the Boston Terrier
Renji has no context to the post, but I hate making posts without photos.

I don’t get migraines often, in fact I’ve only had 3 or 4 in my entire life. But when I hear people talk about doing things, like grocery shopping, or driving somewhere with a migraine, I don’t understand.

Every migraine I have ever had has landed me in the Emergency Room.

Only twice in my life have I been in so much pain my body’s reaction was to start dry heaving. Once was during Evey’s childbirth. Easily the most pain I had ever experienced in my life.  The second time was Tuesday night. I can’t even begin to explain how much it hurt. 3 am, on the bathroom floor, sobbing and heaving. My husband woke up and insisted I go to the hospital. I felt guilty for making him drive me there, and he had to wake up Evey. They sat in the waiting room for almost 3 hours while I got pumped full of meds.

I am extremely thankful for modern medicine. I tend to think I have a pretty high pain tolerance. But this pain was like nothing I have ever felt before. The nurse asked me at the hospital if I had driven myself there, I think she was hoping my answer was no because I couldn’t take my eyes out of my cold damp rag I was clutching to my face. To her relief I had not. I can’t imagine how people can do anything with a migraine. I sat in that hospital bed, curled in a ball, trying to not heave, or cry.

As soon as the meds kicked in and things subsided I was allowed to go home. At this point it was nearly 6 am and Paul had to go to work, Evey was wide awake, and I was groggy as hell. I locked her in the bedroom with me and gave her the iPad and I was out. I was only able to get a couple hours of sleep but when I woke up I felt so much better. I could still feel the headache though, but it didn’t hurt. It’s hard to explain but if you’ve ever worn your hair in a really tight ponytail, and when you take it out your scalp feels really weird for a minute. The release of tension almost hurts but it’s a good hurt. That’s how the inside of my head felt most of the day. So I spent the day cramming for my Anthropology final, and then doing my final online. But most of the day is a hazy blur, a migraine hangover is a weird thing.

It’s been about 48 hours since the onset of migraine, and I can still feel it a little bit, just a strange uncomfortable feeling in my head. I have been trying to avoid triggers; eyestrain, strong scents, bright lights. So I haven’t been on the computer much. I spend the afternoon trying to make salt dough ornaments with Evey and doing laundry. I will likely avoid the computer as much as I can tomorrow too, I think it’s a huge issue for the headaches I’ve been having building up to the migraine. I think I need to find my glasses and try wearing them again. But for now I am just hoping the meds they gave me ward off any residual migraine and I am able to continue to function.

Although my migraine is not chronic, the explanation Jane over at It’s not Me It’s You gives about migraines is really good, you can read it here: Chronic Intractable Migraine: It’s NOT a Headache, It’s a Medical Condition. And it’s sort of funny she posted this the same day my brain tried to explode inside my skull.


Social Anxiety: People don’t care as much as you think.

Anxiety can make you feel like you are standing alone in the rain, with nowhere to hide.

Totro in the rain

Part of my Anxiety is worrying about what people think of me. I spend a lot of time worrying what people think about me. It used to really bother me, a lot. I have really spent too much time worrying about this. Recently I got over it a little, and it’s a little embarrassing how.

When we first moved here I met a girl, we exchanged phone numbers. She seemed nice enough. But my social anxiety got the best of me and I never called her. I would tell myself that, she never called me either, but I still bothered the hell out of me. I felt guilty, I felt like she must hate me because I never called her. She didn’t really live near us enough to see her often, but she was near enough that it’s very possible I would run into her, and the thought of running into her was terrifying.

After months and months of worrying that she hated me I got a text.

“I just found this number in my phone, how do I know you”

I tried explaining that we had met, and how

“not remembering, sorry, maybe was it blah blah blah”

I explained that no, we met this way, and I was sure

After this she repeated that she had no idea who I was, she sent a few texts after that, trying to remember who I was, but I quit replying. I wasn’t going to waste my time trying to remind someone who I was. I was embarrassed because when I met her our families spent a couple hours together before we parted ways, and she didn’t remember me. I was embarrassed because I had spent MONTHS worrying about whether or not she hated me. There were times when the anxiety about this was awful.

That is when I decided I wasn’t going to worry so much about what people think of me. Because those people you are worrying about, they aren’t spending nearly as much time thinking about you. Every time I think “I wonder if she hates me” or anything of the sort, I remember this situation. I still have the worry about other people liking me, and guilt over not getting together with people, but It’s not nearly as bad now. I guess I owe this girl a thank you.

Dealing with my Anxiety

Screen Shot 2015-07-11 at 9.52.47 PM
Source HeyMonster Tumbler

I have been trying to work through my anxiety for a couple weeks now. I have good days and bad days, but mostly for the last two weeks it’s been a string of bad days. Lots of worrying about things I have no control over, or no say in. Worrying how certain things will go. Worrying about things that have already happened.

Some of the things troubling me are legit, like school. The class I am taking for summer school, I am not doing so well in it. I keep forgetting deadlines, and procrastinating my work. Thankfuly I have a very understanding and flexible teacher. I have done 3 major assignments for this class, and every single one I have missed an important part of the instructions. I am grateful I have been given the chance to correct my mistakes and still get full credit. But this is so unlike me, and it’s been weighing on my a lot.

Screen Shot 2015-07-11 at 9.52.58 PM
Source HeyMonster Tumbler

I have also been putting off some important things because I don’t feel like dealing with people. Like I need my hair cut, bad, and I need to figure out what I am going to do about the color.

I have a long history with Anxiety. But for the better part of the last 3 years I have had a pretty good handle on it. Like i said before, I have good days and bad days. And I am usually pretty good at pulling myself together and working through it. But recently it’s been harder. I have sought out help in the past. But right now my brain is telling me “you can do this on your own, you are going to be okay”

I am working on making some lifestyle changes, which include exercising more, because that seems to help. Plus I just feel better when I am outside moving. I have really shut out the outside world lately. I don’t want to go places, I don’t want to do things, I don’t want to talk to people. Because all those things give me anxiety. I worry about other people, I worry about home when I am not here, I worry about other peoples problems.

But I am working on it. I have two more weeks left of school. I hope to be able to focus a bit more here, and on YouTube, If you don’t follow me over there yet check it out. Lots of silly shit going on.

Vitamin D Deficiency (or- This would have never happened in Okinawa)

I got pretty sick in January/ February, Cold, upper respiratory infection, sinus infection, all pretty much at once. I put off going to the doctor for weeks but my symptoms only got worse. Finally I caved and went in, got diagnosed and I began treatment, and after a change in medicine I started to improve. But a few weeks after I started to feel better, I started to feel bad again, I was having waves of shortness of breath, often accompanied by nausea, dizziness and the shakes, similar to how I felt when I was sick earlier. I really just wrote it off as anxiety because we are so close to moving, and we have a lot going on in the month between leaving Montana and arriving in California. Also if you know me IRL I have sort of been complaining of the winter blues for the last couple months.
Also my monthly cycle got really screwed up at first I blamed this on being sick too, but when it happened again after I was better I decided to go to the doctor because it was possible that there was something hormonal or thyroid going on. After lots of questions and blood work I was told everything was A-Okay except my Vitamin D was not only low, but really low. 30-100 is normal, below 25 is considered a deficiency, my number was in the low 20s. When I got this diagnosis I giggled a little inside, I am a sun worshiper, I love being outside in the warm sunshine. I am likely at a higher risk for melanoma because as a kid I spent almost every day of summer vacation at the pool often nursing a sunburn afterwards. Same in Okinawa, I had a nice tan year round. But here in Montana there is only 3ish months where you can go outside in shorts and a tank top. My sun exposure is easily less than a quarter what it has been most of my life. I am also missing out on the other great sources of Vitamin D; fish and fortified milk, neither of which I get much of. Fish in my area scares me, I live next to a very toxic mine, so I don’t fish and almost all the ocean fish at the grocery is farmed, also I just don’t do milk.

My doctor prescribed me high dosage vitamin D supplements, one a week for 8 weeks, then I need to get my levels re-tested. I am also planning, besides adding regular sunshine back into my diet, to start taking supplements, to make sure this doesn’t happen again. I started my first dose last week and I have only had 3 breathing “episodes”, versus the 2-3 I was having daily. I have also noticed an increase in my energy, and maybe even my mood, although I’m still bitchy because it’s still cold as shit.
I know google is not your friend when you are sick, but WebMd and a lot of other general doctor websites say there really isn’t any physical symptoms associated with Vitamin D deficiency, besides muscle and bone weakness and rickets. But when I googled “vitamin d deficiency shortness of breath” I got tons of hits. If you google hard enough you will always find someone that says you are right, even if you are wrong. But I found comfort in the fact that people also had the same physical symptom that I was, and they found relief. Because honestly I was initially worried that there was no answer, or it was the anxiety and this was a symptom I would just have to learn to live with.
So I am finally back on the road to recovery. I hope for real this time, I need to get out and be more active, my weight loss has stalled and I feel like I have been stuck in a “end of winter slump” of lethargy and lazy. I really want to go outside and walk, feel the sun on my skin, but there is too much snow still on the ground for the stroller, and I don’t trust myself to baby wear and walk in the snow, I’ll fall and hurt us both.

I really hope this explains why I have been a little down the last few weeks/months. and I really hope things will start looking up for me again.

Has anyone else dealt with a vitamin D deficiency? How did it affect you?

Winter Blues- update

I think I am back, hopefully I can get to posting again. I have been knee deep in the winter blues, and sickness. What started as a cold, turned into a sinus infection, and then turned into an upper respiratory infection, all over the course of about a month. It finally caught up with me, not being able to breathe, and not being able to get anything done around the house, and barely being able to keep up with Evelyn, I finally went to the doctor and began antibiotics, Slowly I have been improving, and after an antibiotic change I think I feel 100% again, but it’s been so long since I felt better I am not sure. So between being knee deep in snow, seriously almost a foot this week, and the winter blues, I am so ready to move to Southern California, where it never will snow. I check the weather every day, it’s so beautiful in Oceanside, and our forecast is calling for more snow. 

Yeah, I can’t even make this shit up.
Saturday Morning 
Saturday Morning
Tuesday Morning
more snow, yay (heavy with the sarcasm)

But things are still looking good for our move, we should leave Montana some time in early/mid april and we will begin our trek across country to visit Evey’s Grandparents, Uncles, and Aunts. Then we will head back west to Camp Pendleton. To say I am excited is an understatement. I have a countdown on my phone and We have about 60 days left until we leave! 

except I don’t think we’ll go through vegas on our way down, we’ll just drive through northern arizona like we usually do.
Its going to be a huge pain in the ass at first because we will be driving 2 cars, 2 dogs, 1 cat, and 1 baby from Montana to Arizona, then leaving one car and the animals at my parents house and my sisters place. Then picking them back up on our way to California. 

For our short time left here in Montana, I hope the weather improves so we can have some nice weekends to spend outdoors with our friends, and Evey’s little boy friend, before we move. It really sucks that both places we lived here in Montana, we start making friends when we are about to leave.

Bloody Marys Count as a Salad
Go Link up! 

Bad dog

I am so mad at this little guy right now. 
See he has a tendency to get into shit. But I’m used to it. And to an extent my house is already baby proofed because we Renji proofed a long time ago. Every now and then he finds something. A few weeks ago I broke an ice tray, I was my usual lazy self and wasn’t prompt at cleaning it all up. Renji came trotting up with broken plastic in his mouth. I fished it all out, and after several hours (or maybe one hour) of finding all the pieces to make sure the jigsaw puzzle of broken plastic fit and I had all the pieces. I quit panicking. I know dogs ingesting foreign objects is a big cause of doggie ER visits, I know because Renji has caused us a couple. He also once got a bottle of Benadryl, he only at the bottle though not the pills, this dog has caused me many gray hairs. 
So today. 
I am very protective of my dogs, you could call me a helicopter mom, so I don’t let them outside alone, I let them on the porch, which is contained and about 8-12 feet off the ground. Aint no one stealing my dogs off the porch. Well earlier this week I put my seed starters outside so they could acclimate so I could put them in the ground (and they all died, but whatever). I should mention another thing Renji likes to eat is dirt, and seed starters especially. Well I found that little shit eating seed starters then I found toothpicks. Oh no! I used toothpicks with the names of plants taped to them, Renji has been chewing on toothpicks. Again with the panic. I instantly imagine that I will be dropping at least $300 to x-ray and likely remove toothpicks from his tummy… 
All is well though, I found all the pieces and there are no toothpicks missing. So my little guy is spared again from me dipping into his college fund. 
Please tell me I’m not the only one with a dog that gets into EVERYTHING! 

I’m still here

Sorry I didn’t mean to drop off the face of the earth, but this has been a very rough week.
Tuesday night I wasn’t feeling great, I thought it was just a cranky stomach, but after 8 hours of nonstop vomit and… other forms of stomach evacuation… I realized something was wrong. I am pretty sure I threw up more in 10 hours than I have in the last 10 years.
By 8 am I had been sick for 10 hours and I couldn’t even keep water down.
I called the doctor and was told I needed to come in and be seen in urgent care.


So a dose of Zofran, 3 vials of blood, a 1 ltr IV, and 4+ hours later later I was permitted to go home. My diagnosis: nope not the McD’s I had for dinner, it was Norovirus (stomach flu).  I had specific instructions to stay hydrated, drink pedialite, and not to even think of trying food for several more hours. The thing that really sucked? Paul left that morning for Great Falls, about once a month he does an overnight up there for work. So I was all alone for 2 days, with my bad dogs.

It was rough, on all of us. I unfortunately had to kennel the dogs almost all day, and I just took them out every few hours to potty. I spent the whole day trying to sleep, but mostly just tossing and turning, and counting the hours until I could take my next dose of anti puke meds. By the evening I could handle the dogs being out and we laid on the couch and watched some TV and I was back in bed by nine.
The next morning I ate my first sold food. 1 piece of toast and an apple. I always remember my mom taught me when I was younger, when you are sick you get the BRAT diet. B-Bananas, R-Rice, A-Apples T-Toast. My small amount of food was delicious, and it stayed down! Paul got home that afternoon and he played with the dogs, We had subway for dinner and my simple turkey sammich was great. I spent the next few days regaining my strength, and slowly adding more of an array food to my diet.
I am fairly certain I am back to normal. I also learned upon returning to work, that it spread through my store like wild fire, and a large percentage of the employees were out sick this week.
Also, have you ever thrown something up and then been totally unable to even think about eating it ever again? I am one of those people, I didn’t eat chili cheese dogs from derWeinerschnitzel for almost a year after throwing them up once. Well, I don’t think I’ll eat McD’s for a very, very long time.


Source: tumblr.com via Alana on Pinterest

I think I have finally awoken from the haze that was the flu. Good thing too, I am scheduled to work tonight.

This month my goals are:
sew my purses that I bought fabric for two weeks ago.
hang out with females more than once.
eat less fast food and more veggies.
exercise my portly little doggies.
welcome spring with a clean house!

I feel like a whole new me since getting over the flu. Maybe because I have not been that helpless in a long time, and I have a strong urge to do something productive since this has, by far, been the most unproductive week in a very long time. Or maybe because, despite the fact that it’s 24 right now, and it snowed yesterday, Spring is in the air. The grass should start turning green again soon, be bunnies are loosing their snow fur and becoming brown, and I think the sun is peeking out from the clouds. well maybe not that last part yet, but any day now.


Source: tumblr.com via Alana on Pinterest
I’ve spent the last 4 days laid up with the flu. 
I don’t remember ever being this sick in my life. 
I couldn’t stand for more than a few seconds without getting nauseous and dizzy. I have been laying down since Saturday afternoon. getting off the couch pretty much only to move to the bed and back, and a quick trip to the doctor yesterday.
I’ve had a fever hovering around 102 and a cough that hurts my chest like nothing else. Oh and the body aches, they were awful, my legs hurt so freaking bad.
I’ve lost more than 5 pounds because I couldn’t stand long enough to prepare my own food, and I really have had no appetite. (I had to fend for myself because husband was away for work, but he’s back in town to take care of me now)

I went to the doctor yesterday, and she confirmed that I do indeed have the flu.
But last night my fever broke, it was a glorious feeling and I knew that it was a good sign when I woke up drenched in sweat three times last night. 
Today I am able to sit upright without being nauseous, and I think I may even be hungry. 
I have a whole new respect for the flu, I’ve thought i’ve had it before, but I have not. The flu sucks and I don’t wish it upon anyone!