We aren’t moving to Okinawa

 

We were supposed to fly to Okinawa next week. We had planned, gone through all the screenings, gotten passports and airplane tickets, we were ready. A couple of weeks ago, on a Monday morning, the movers came to pack our unaccompanied baggage, which is the stuff we wanted there when we got there. Before this we had all been sick, for about 2 weeks all 4 of us had been fighting a nasty cold. That day baby Paul was really fussy, but he was sick like the rest of us. As the day wore on, the movers came and left with about a quarter of our belongings, the baby seemed okay just cranky.

Later in the afternoon everyone was resting and I took the baby outside to play and I noticed he was randomly gagging, sort of dry heaving. I decided he should nap too. While trying to get him to sleep Paul noticed he was breathing rapidly, shortly after I couldn’t get him to latch on to breastfeed. This was the most concerning symptom because he’s never in his life refused the breast, but it was like he couldn’t latch because he was struggling to breathe.

I rushed him to the ER. I believe they thought he had RSV, he was immediately given a nebulizer, IV fluids and a chest x-ray, which came back normal. The next step was the doctor tested his blood sugar. At that point the doctor told me I needed to call my husband because my baby was going to need to be transferred to the pediatric ICU at the larger medical facility about an hour away. They said he was in Diabetic Ketoacidosis. I didn’t really know what any of this meant, except that he almost surely had Type 1 Diabetes, and if that were true everything was about to change.

Within a few hours we were in an ambulance being transferred to the hospital. Baby was stable but his blood sugar was still way too high, and he still had a huge amount of ketones in his blood, which were basically poisoning his kidneys and liver from what I understand. Once we got to the ICU we quickly met several doctors and nurses which told us there was almost no question he had Diabetes. We spent all night testing babys blood sugar hourly, checking the levels for ketones, and adjusting his insulin and glucose dosages. The first night they wouldn’t let me breastfeed him because they needed to be in control of his glucose and insulin while they rid his body of the ketones that were poising his blood. It was a very long night with pretty much no sleep.

The next few days are a blur. He was officially diagnosed with Type 1 (T1) Diabetes, and we rushed to get him enrolled in the military program that helps our family when we have a family member with special needs; EFMP– Exceptional Family Member Program, we needed to be enrolled so we could try to stop our move to Okinawa because they do not have the military medical professionals on the island to treat insulin dependent diabetes.  We knew right away, with Baby’s diagnosis the kids and I would not be moving, but we were desperately trying to make it so Paul wouldn’t have to go without us.

So that’s why we aren’t moving to Okinawa. I am still very sad, for a lot of reasons. I’ll write another post and finish the story later this weekend. I need to dry my eyes and drink some coffee right now. I’ll leave you with a picture of my precious little boy, being a brave dude with his little robot arm, that protected the only IV line that he didn’t blow out the first few days in the hospital.

Migraine

Renji Roo the Boston Terrier
Renji has no context to the post, but I hate making posts without photos.

I don’t get migraines often, in fact I’ve only had 3 or 4 in my entire life. But when I hear people talk about doing things, like grocery shopping, or driving somewhere with a migraine, I don’t understand.

Every migraine I have ever had has landed me in the Emergency Room.

Only twice in my life have I been in so much pain my body’s reaction was to start dry heaving. Once was during Evey’s childbirth. Easily the most pain I had ever experienced in my life.  The second time was Tuesday night. I can’t even begin to explain how much it hurt. 3 am, on the bathroom floor, sobbing and heaving. My husband woke up and insisted I go to the hospital. I felt guilty for making him drive me there, and he had to wake up Evey. They sat in the waiting room for almost 3 hours while I got pumped full of meds.

I am extremely thankful for modern medicine. I tend to think I have a pretty high pain tolerance. But this pain was like nothing I have ever felt before. The nurse asked me at the hospital if I had driven myself there, I think she was hoping my answer was no because I couldn’t take my eyes out of my cold damp rag I was clutching to my face. To her relief I had not. I can’t imagine how people can do anything with a migraine. I sat in that hospital bed, curled in a ball, trying to not heave, or cry.

As soon as the meds kicked in and things subsided I was allowed to go home. At this point it was nearly 6 am and Paul had to go to work, Evey was wide awake, and I was groggy as hell. I locked her in the bedroom with me and gave her the iPad and I was out. I was only able to get a couple hours of sleep but when I woke up I felt so much better. I could still feel the headache though, but it didn’t hurt. It’s hard to explain but if you’ve ever worn your hair in a really tight ponytail, and when you take it out your scalp feels really weird for a minute. The release of tension almost hurts but it’s a good hurt. That’s how the inside of my head felt most of the day. So I spent the day cramming for my Anthropology final, and then doing my final online. But most of the day is a hazy blur, a migraine hangover is a weird thing.

It’s been about 48 hours since the onset of migraine, and I can still feel it a little bit, just a strange uncomfortable feeling in my head. I have been trying to avoid triggers; eyestrain, strong scents, bright lights. So I haven’t been on the computer much. I spend the afternoon trying to make salt dough ornaments with Evey and doing laundry. I will likely avoid the computer as much as I can tomorrow too, I think it’s a huge issue for the headaches I’ve been having building up to the migraine. I think I need to find my glasses and try wearing them again. But for now I am just hoping the meds they gave me ward off any residual migraine and I am able to continue to function.

Although my migraine is not chronic, the explanation Jane over at It’s not Me It’s You gives about migraines is really good, you can read it here: Chronic Intractable Migraine: It’s NOT a Headache, It’s a Medical Condition. And it’s sort of funny she posted this the same day my brain tried to explode inside my skull.

 

Social Anxiety: People don’t care as much as you think.

Anxiety can make you feel like you are standing alone in the rain, with nowhere to hide.

Totro in the rain

Part of my Anxiety is worrying about what people think of me. I spend a lot of time worrying what people think about me. It used to really bother me, a lot. I have really spent too much time worrying about this. Recently I got over it a little, and it’s a little embarrassing how.

When we first moved here I met a girl, we exchanged phone numbers. She seemed nice enough. But my social anxiety got the best of me and I never called her. I would tell myself that, she never called me either, but I still bothered the hell out of me. I felt guilty, I felt like she must hate me because I never called her. She didn’t really live near us enough to see her often, but she was near enough that it’s very possible I would run into her, and the thought of running into her was terrifying.

After months and months of worrying that she hated me I got a text.

“I just found this number in my phone, how do I know you”

I tried explaining that we had met, and how

“not remembering, sorry, maybe was it blah blah blah”

I explained that no, we met this way, and I was sure

After this she repeated that she had no idea who I was, she sent a few texts after that, trying to remember who I was, but I quit replying. I wasn’t going to waste my time trying to remind someone who I was. I was embarrassed because when I met her our families spent a couple hours together before we parted ways, and she didn’t remember me. I was embarrassed because I had spent MONTHS worrying about whether or not she hated me. There were times when the anxiety about this was awful.

That is when I decided I wasn’t going to worry so much about what people think of me. Because those people you are worrying about, they aren’t spending nearly as much time thinking about you. Every time I think “I wonder if she hates me” or anything of the sort, I remember this situation. I still have the worry about other people liking me, and guilt over not getting together with people, but It’s not nearly as bad now. I guess I owe this girl a thank you.

Dealing with my Anxiety

Screen Shot 2015-07-11 at 9.52.47 PM
Source HeyMonster Tumbler

I have been trying to work through my anxiety for a couple weeks now. I have good days and bad days, but mostly for the last two weeks it’s been a string of bad days. Lots of worrying about things I have no control over, or no say in. Worrying how certain things will go. Worrying about things that have already happened.

Some of the things troubling me are legit, like school. The class I am taking for summer school, I am not doing so well in it. I keep forgetting deadlines, and procrastinating my work. Thankfuly I have a very understanding and flexible teacher. I have done 3 major assignments for this class, and every single one I have missed an important part of the instructions. I am grateful I have been given the chance to correct my mistakes and still get full credit. But this is so unlike me, and it’s been weighing on my a lot.

Screen Shot 2015-07-11 at 9.52.58 PM
Source HeyMonster Tumbler

I have also been putting off some important things because I don’t feel like dealing with people. Like I need my hair cut, bad, and I need to figure out what I am going to do about the color.

I have a long history with Anxiety. But for the better part of the last 3 years I have had a pretty good handle on it. Like i said before, I have good days and bad days. And I am usually pretty good at pulling myself together and working through it. But recently it’s been harder. I have sought out help in the past. But right now my brain is telling me “you can do this on your own, you are going to be okay”

I am working on making some lifestyle changes, which include exercising more, because that seems to help. Plus I just feel better when I am outside moving. I have really shut out the outside world lately. I don’t want to go places, I don’t want to do things, I don’t want to talk to people. Because all those things give me anxiety. I worry about other people, I worry about home when I am not here, I worry about other peoples problems.

But I am working on it. I have two more weeks left of school. I hope to be able to focus a bit more here, and on YouTube, If you don’t follow me over there yet check it out. Lots of silly shit going on.