mommy guilt

Every now and then over the last year I have come here to write. I start something and I get detracted and almost never finish. But I feel like right now I may need an outlet, somewhere I can just blabber. I don’t know if anyone is out there anymore, but here goes.

Evelyn and Paul
Evelyn and Paul

Being a mom of more than one is hard. Right now I can’t imagine having three or more. I sometimes feel guilty that I can’t devote all the extra attention to Baby Paul that I did to Evelyn. Because now I need to care for and interact with both of them. Also I feel guilty because I feel like Evelyn isn’t getting as much of me as she should be, as she wants. We don’t play much anymore. I’ve got school work, I’m tired, I need to shower, I need to clean. There is always a reason. She understands, and she is really good at occupying herself. But I feel mom guilt. It doesn’t help that I’m not really sleeping. According to my fitbit last week I averaged 4 hours and 7 minutes a night. That’s nuts. I don’t think that’s healthy. It’s been like that for over a month. I want to play with my babies, I want to have fun, I want to have energy. But I’m tired and I have work to do. I feel like my poor husband is getting shorted too. We don’t have alone time. We don’t really trust anyone but family with the kids, and we have no family here. He is very busy too, with us getting ready to move, and some staff changes at work he is working long hours and often brings work home.

Schools is going very well I am pretty sure I finished my Associates in Child Development last semester, but I didn’t get my application for graduation done on time so I have to apply this semester and I wont get it until May/June. I am getting closer and closer to my Bachelors in History. I should have that completed this fall. I could do it sooner but we are moving overseas in May/June/July and traveling to visit family this spring, so I am keeping my spring semester very light. I am hoping to pick up one summer class and then finish in the fall.

I have been trying to prepare for moving, I have been listening to the Konmari method book (sorry the name escapes me) on audible. I want to finish the book before I start tidying up my life, but it’s been slow. Plus my house is just messy, I am working on dealing with it. We need to downsize before we move, I would rather just get rid of so much of our stuff before, instead of storing a bunch. I want to be a tidy person, I just have too much stuff.

We have been working on our medical preparation for Japan. That’s really the biggest hurdle, showing that the whole family is medically fit to go there. They have medical available, but there are certain conditions that they do not treat, or do not have the facilities to treat, so if you have a chronic condition that requires followup medical care they need to be sure you can get that care. I don’t think we have anything that will hold us  back but there is still a lot of paperwork and appointments.

I have also been dabbling in Vlogging. It’s fun to make videos. It’s fun to edit them. But I am self conscious so I am struggling with them. I think that is part of what is holding me back and motivating me. I want to be more comfortable in myself. Also with us moving overseas soon I want to have a video record for my family, and maybe I can help someone else along the way.

I think I am going to try writing again, even if it’s just once a week, just to empty my brain. This felt good.

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