It’s October and I still don’t have my shit together.

I have been dealing with mental health, and not doing too well. I have almost no motivation to do anything. I am activly taking steps to fix it though. I met with a therapist yesterday and I’m waiting on a callback from a Psychologist for an appointment. I have good days and bad, up and down, but mostly my days are unmotivated and lazy, trying to make sense of what I need to get done.

We moved over the summer, we had a 3 week road trip from California to Massachusetts, where we now live. It’s  been an experience in itself. Driving with the kids was wild and I don’t know how I did it. But here we are, we have a cute little Cape Cod style house, it’s not too big and not too small. I am really enjoying it. It rains about once a week, which is 500% more often than it ever rained in California. It’s been cool a couple nights then warm again. Today the high is in the high 70’s and tomorrow’s high is supposed to be about 50. I’m both excited for and fearful of winter. I’m excited for the kids to play in the snow, I’m excited for all the winter knits I’m working on. But I’m terrified of driving in the snow.


I knit this guys little sweater, he loves it, he’s such a sweetheart.

This amazing girl started First Grade! I’m so proud of her, she’s going to make waves for sure!

And there is me with a chicken. This was over the summer, My hair is a little longer now, and mostly blonde, and I lef the chicken with my sister, because it’s hers.

We aren’t moving to Okinawa


We were supposed to fly to Okinawa next week. We had planned, gone through all the screenings, gotten passports and airplane tickets, we were ready. A couple of weeks ago, on a Monday morning, the movers came to pack our unaccompanied baggage, which is the stuff we wanted there when we got there. Before this we had all been sick, for about 2 weeks all 4 of us had been fighting a nasty cold. That day baby Paul was really fussy, but he was sick like the rest of us. As the day wore on, the movers came and left with about a quarter of our belongings, the baby seemed okay just cranky.

Later in the afternoon everyone was resting and I took the baby outside to play and I noticed he was randomly gagging, sort of dry heaving. I decided he should nap too. While trying to get him to sleep Paul noticed he was breathing rapidly, shortly after I couldn’t get him to latch on to breastfeed. This was the most concerning symptom because he’s never in his life refused the breast, but it was like he couldn’t latch because he was struggling to breathe.

I rushed him to the ER. I believe they thought he had RSV, he was immediately given a nebulizer, IV fluids and a chest x-ray, which came back normal. The next step was the doctor tested his blood sugar. At that point the doctor told me I needed to call my husband because my baby was going to need to be transferred to the pediatric ICU at the larger medical facility about an hour away. They said he was in Diabetic Ketoacidosis. I didn’t really know what any of this meant, except that he almost surely had Type 1 Diabetes, and if that were true everything was about to change.

Within a few hours we were in an ambulance being transferred to the hospital. Baby was stable but his blood sugar was still way too high, and he still had a huge amount of ketones in his blood, which were basically poisoning his kidneys and liver from what I understand. Once we got to the ICU we quickly met several doctors and nurses which told us there was almost no question he had Diabetes. We spent all night testing babys blood sugar hourly, checking the levels for ketones, and adjusting his insulin and glucose dosages. The first night they wouldn’t let me breastfeed him because they needed to be in control of his glucose and insulin while they rid his body of the ketones that were poising his blood. It was a very long night with pretty much no sleep.

The next few days are a blur. He was officially diagnosed with Type 1 (T1) Diabetes, and we rushed to get him enrolled in the military program that helps our family when we have a family member with special needs; EFMP– Exceptional Family Member Program, we needed to be enrolled so we could try to stop our move to Okinawa because they do not have the military medical professionals on the island to treat insulin dependent diabetes.  We knew right away, with Baby’s diagnosis the kids and I would not be moving, but we were desperately trying to make it so Paul wouldn’t have to go without us.

So that’s why we aren’t moving to Okinawa. I am still very sad, for a lot of reasons. I’ll write another post and finish the story later this weekend. I need to dry my eyes and drink some coffee right now. I’ll leave you with a picture of my precious little boy, being a brave dude with his little robot arm, that protected the only IV line that he didn’t blow out the first few days in the hospital.

Home Made Sauerkraut

A little over a week ago I started some Sauerkraut from scratch.

The recipe I followed was incredibly easy and said that it would be good in 24 hours. So after the time passed I tried it and it was very salty. It didn’t taste like sauerkraut, and it didn’t taste bad, it just tasted like very salty cabbage, I was sure I screwed it up.

My worry sent me to Dr. Google and I googled the shit out of home made sauerkraut. (Further research is something I would suggest doing before trying a recipe that involves science such as fermentation.) I made the decision to remove some of the brine and add water to thin out the saltiness. I read that over salting can slow the fermentation process.


Trying a #diy #sauerkraut #recipe #yum! #food #foodie

A photo posted by Alana 🌺 (@alanamarie26) on

After watering it down a bit I left it alone. Over the course of a week I watched it, as it bubbled, and fermented. I will admit I was concerned that I had a rotting mess of cabbage on my counter top. However after a week I tasted it, and I was very pleased that not only was it good, but it was delicious! For the last couple days I have been eating it on everything.

My #sauerkraut is amazing.

A photo posted by Alana 🌺 (@alanamarie26) on

The finished product is awesome. I especially like it with scrambled eggs.

Sauerkraut is really good for your belly too. It’s got pro-biotics or something that makes your tummy happy.

You can read more about it if you are interested in making your own.

Sonnet’s Kitchen The original recipe I started with
Survival at home– another recipe with good science-y info

Has your Sauerkraut gone bad? – this helped me tremendously.

Dr. Weil
– About Sauerkraut
Health Impact News– Info on Health Benefits
Organic Facts– More info on health benefits

I googled lots of stuff, smelly sauerkraut when I thought it was smelling funny, floating saurkraut when I noticed the cabbage was floating up to the top, all kinds of stuff.

Also I think it’s important to mention, through this whole process I was pretty convinced that I had messed up and it would be terrible, but I kept going and didn’t abandon my kraut. I am very happy I held out because it turned out wonderful.

If you like sauerkraut, even a little, I highly recommend trying your hand at making your own. It really was very easy, and it can last for months.
You could easily do a smaller batch, I used a large head of cabbage, about 3 pounds and I ended up with about 50 oz or so of sauerkraut.

Social Anxiety: People don’t care as much as you think.

Anxiety can make you feel like you are standing alone in the rain, with nowhere to hide.

Totro in the rain

Part of my Anxiety is worrying about what people think of me. I spend a lot of time worrying what people think about me. It used to really bother me, a lot. I have really spent too much time worrying about this. Recently I got over it a little, and it’s a little embarrassing how.

When we first moved here I met a girl, we exchanged phone numbers. She seemed nice enough. But my social anxiety got the best of me and I never called her. I would tell myself that, she never called me either, but I still bothered the hell out of me. I felt guilty, I felt like she must hate me because I never called her. She didn’t really live near us enough to see her often, but she was near enough that it’s very possible I would run into her, and the thought of running into her was terrifying.

After months and months of worrying that she hated me I got a text.

“I just found this number in my phone, how do I know you”

I tried explaining that we had met, and how

“not remembering, sorry, maybe was it blah blah blah”

I explained that no, we met this way, and I was sure

After this she repeated that she had no idea who I was, she sent a few texts after that, trying to remember who I was, but I quit replying. I wasn’t going to waste my time trying to remind someone who I was. I was embarrassed because when I met her our families spent a couple hours together before we parted ways, and she didn’t remember me. I was embarrassed because I had spent MONTHS worrying about whether or not she hated me. There were times when the anxiety about this was awful.

That is when I decided I wasn’t going to worry so much about what people think of me. Because those people you are worrying about, they aren’t spending nearly as much time thinking about you. Every time I think “I wonder if she hates me” or anything of the sort, I remember this situation. I still have the worry about other people liking me, and guilt over not getting together with people, but It’s not nearly as bad now. I guess I owe this girl a thank you.

Dealing with my Anxiety

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Source HeyMonster Tumbler

I have been trying to work through my anxiety for a couple weeks now. I have good days and bad days, but mostly for the last two weeks it’s been a string of bad days. Lots of worrying about things I have no control over, or no say in. Worrying how certain things will go. Worrying about things that have already happened.

Some of the things troubling me are legit, like school. The class I am taking for summer school, I am not doing so well in it. I keep forgetting deadlines, and procrastinating my work. Thankfuly I have a very understanding and flexible teacher. I have done 3 major assignments for this class, and every single one I have missed an important part of the instructions. I am grateful I have been given the chance to correct my mistakes and still get full credit. But this is so unlike me, and it’s been weighing on my a lot.

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Source HeyMonster Tumbler

I have also been putting off some important things because I don’t feel like dealing with people. Like I need my hair cut, bad, and I need to figure out what I am going to do about the color.

I have a long history with Anxiety. But for the better part of the last 3 years I have had a pretty good handle on it. Like i said before, I have good days and bad days. And I am usually pretty good at pulling myself together and working through it. But recently it’s been harder. I have sought out help in the past. But right now my brain is telling me “you can do this on your own, you are going to be okay”

I am working on making some lifestyle changes, which include exercising more, because that seems to help. Plus I just feel better when I am outside moving. I have really shut out the outside world lately. I don’t want to go places, I don’t want to do things, I don’t want to talk to people. Because all those things give me anxiety. I worry about other people, I worry about home when I am not here, I worry about other peoples problems.

But I am working on it. I have two more weeks left of school. I hope to be able to focus a bit more here, and on YouTube, If you don’t follow me over there yet check it out. Lots of silly shit going on.

I’m a little broken

I’ve never broken a bone.


Not even a toe.
(that I know of)

Until now.

I’m in a fitness walking class, and the last couple weeks have gotten intense. The distance has dramatically increased. As have my personal goals. If you follow me on Instagram you know I have been working to increase my distance and speed.

I beat my fastest time! #fastest #runkeeper #crushedit

A photo posted by Alana ? (@alanamarie26) on

I am very sad to say that my goals of finishing my miles for my class, and doing the Camp Pendleton Mud Run next month have been crushed.

I have had some wicked shin pain for a few weeks, Shin Splints I keep telling myself. Stretching helps, but they come back, and last longer, and hurt like a Mo-Fo.

I noticed the pain was really coming from one area, and once all my shin pain had subsided, if I touched, or bumped this one small area, about the size of a pea, it was excruciating. Like reeling back in pain.

I finally got to the doctor and my diagnosis is “probable stress fracture of my tibia” Because I can walk with little to no pain, he wasn’t going to put me through extra appointments and MRI to diagnose because treatment would be the same. But I either have a stress fracture, or I am forming one. So no activity for 2 weeks, then I can try light impact exercise, like cycling or swimming. in 4 weeks I go in to recheck.


And of course now because my hypochondriac ass has a diagnosis, I feel like it starting to hurt constantly, so I must be dying, or the bone is surely getting ready to snap in half.
Which seriously isn’t funny. I had a friend who broke his leg a few years ago, and he spent like WEEKS in the hospital.

So for now I monitor it.
and hope it doesn’t snap in half.

and there goes my hopes of dying an old lady who never broke a bone in her life.

The image attached to this post is not my X-Ray. Mine is somewhere at the Navel Hospital.